Collected ~Dismembered

~ Trigger Warning ~This is where i blog my ED, my ED thoughts & all the other painful wishes & vices that circulate around & with & near to my ED. I WON'T give you tips to damage yourself or starve or purge or lose weight . if you want tips. STFU and GTFO. I'm not here to be anyone's role model or inspiration. Its a dark dark road.

They all said, “society made her do it. Rail thin models with fat lips, the glossy papers of fashion magazines in hair salons and grocery check-out lines all across America. Ads of women with barbie waists twisted into delicate papershapes, eating hamburgers and french fries grease dripping down their chins. Kate Moss with the pretty scraped bones, whispering to a brigade of next generation models on seven inch heels: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. A mother tugging away a daughter’s birthday cake: if you want to be beautiful you must lose. The only way to win is to lose.
But I didn’t want to beautiful. I wanted to be a bird.
Sunblood, by Autumn Christian (via autumnrchristian)


totally calm now. and im dying for the high to come back. i hated it when i had it and now. im just so. less. so bored. i mean its not stifling depression or anything just a slight emptiness. im just considering bringing an ounce or two of rum to church to morrow to help i don’t know give my life some more edge. i need to feel SOMETHING. not just indifference and vague amusement. i sit here, smile , start coverstation, laugh at jokes, act good and chipper and interested. but i feel a bit dead right now. we’ll see how i feel in thee morning. if i’m not up enough, i’ll bring a shot. if i’m too down, a shot if i’m “just fine” well hell M is going to be there i need a shot. but not until im done with my job.

Coming down.

Off the up. It just sorta popped. Just like that. One second im talking and thinking about everything. The next im anxious , and crowded then down. Pop. I’ve been in bed for an hr suddenly really tired.and I have been letting my mp3 run it’s course. Why did I pop now? Well at least this is more hideable. I just don’t want to do ANYTHING now. fuck me. what the fuck is wrong with me? do i really have bipolar? like what is this shit. god.

probably one fo the most frantic binges and purges i’ve had in a while my god i jsut wanted to eat, had a cookie and icecream from the tub and that apple crumble thingy and the macaroni with tons of black pepper and it burned and then i purged. so freaking fast. all together not seperate just one two each other then purge purgre lose a pound bravo. arent you so wonderfully screwed?

ive lost 4 llbs this week.

its still going today still running. typing better thinking better not too runny

 had more coffee i know i shouldn’t but i wanted it and i needed it to stay good and well iknow for sure.  

but i did so muchtodaygot so much done did work cleaned myroom againa nd the kitchen and made mom’s bed and then i watched stay but also listened toflorence and themachine. i have noone to talk to or dothings with. brother gotin trouble i want to laughat that. was gonna stayup all night butmom came home.had to fake sleep butendedupsleeping .strange how im still here still aliveand doing so much. i want to becomea master painter one day you know? it takes 10 thousand hours tobecome a master at anything soif iworked for a year straight never stoppingwould i be perfect then? she’s so wrong and iknow it. buti haveto go now.

theres so mcuh to do you guys dont understand like i had to draw and i have work to do tommorow.

and all week all month actually i dont know if im going to bed what is playing behind my song? i need to listen to music and do things so much to do do do. i keep thinking about shit and shit and i want my mom to hit me. i want her to come home and hit me im tired of this passive agressive bullshit lets get into a fight lets fucking bash some heads around because i hate you so much you know thta? but i love you yes. and i love you so much sacfrice everything for you am i not enough??? we have to keep going yes i might not go to bed i don’t know. im ranting i’ve just i mean im not as bad as a few hrs ago where had to walk and do shit but i have to type and talk or type or talk or move or else i dont know i start hitting things like me and the wall and all that. and thank god for pandora radio. you know like i was so antsy today i stayed in bed all day watching ED documantaries went to barnes and noble was feeling real antsy and getting really up by the time i walked out was thinking about drinking coffeee and eatinf books ha ha i meant to say reading books but i read so muchs o fast i really eat books. i love bookstores they have coffeee and books and caffeine and books and lots of nice things came home needed to feel calmer too much anxiety had some alcohol and a pill but no no got worse got hypererer. and now tea-ey we talked about teah my brother was so borning shit i love this song what is it have to look be back. ok found it and downloaded it adn now im downloading some moar ha ha. more tolisten to i really love music u cant overdose on it. and did you know that they make water with caffeine in it?! oh my god thats beautiful

now um what else so much else. i tried to draw couldnt focus and my mouth is dry and i am a rotten person like rotten meat or rotten feet this needs to stop i need to be sane not numb not depressed and not “hypomanic” i need ot stop being sick but i need to do so much and run about adn get stuff done i should stop talking now yes yes ok. yes.